Family
Pearls, Family Peace
By Joyce M.
Coleman
You toss and
turn, trying to wake up from a recurring nightmare that has you in its
grip.
Four
generations of family members are descending on your house for this
year’s Christmas dinner. It’s suppose to be a happy occasion, so why
are you in a cold sweat? Tension rises and tempers flare. God forbid, they
aren’t coming to dinner! They live with you. Your daughter-in-law
flees from you, stung by your simple request to be quiet already, she’s
getting on your last good nerve. Your mother-in-law tells you for the
umpteenth time how lucky you are to have snagged her son. Your
grandchildren are trying to hide a snicker about the weird way you and
great-grandma talk and dress. You are seriously ticked off because your
mother and mother-in-law refuse to accept the undeniable fact that you are
a grandparent, and should be respected accordingly. You and your husband
are beside yourself, and out of frustration you act like enemies
instead of each other’s support system.
All in all,
it is a dream from hell.
And then you
wake up and discover that it isn’t a dream after all.
Although
statistics show that intergenerational families are a common occurrence, it
is still one of the least talked about family situations.
We women
seldom talk about it, because we don’t want to embarrass our loved
ones. We bear our burdens, almost in silence, sharing our
frustrations only with our few remaining friends.
If this
situation hasn’t come to your house yet, not to worry. It will. Give
it a year or two. If you are a baby boomer like me, and fortunate
enough to have a living parent (or parents), it will come. And sadly, time
is not with us with regard to keeping this repository of wisdom and
information with us forever. We need to capture it while time
permits.
We Boomers
don't think of ourselves as "older," but let's face it, we are
the generation most able to articulate our accumulated experiences, wisdom,
and other information critical to helping our children, grandchildren, and
those not yet born understand why they are the way they are. Our
knowledge holds the key to their recognizing if not avoiding sand traps,
and other dangerous situations.
Here’s the
good news. There is no need to be a victim of this situation, or wait until
all we can say is I shoulda, woulda, coulda. You have the capacity to
change things, to bring understanding and joy into your intergenerational
family. You have the capacity to capture history and share
it with
generations to come. There is nothing that brings a sense of
purpose, self-esteem, and fulfillment like having a formal, documented
account – memoirs, if you will – that chronicles your own
history.
The process
has three simple steps and is actually a lot of fun.
Step
1: Create your own memoirs, or become an angel of mercy and help an
older family member get started. If two or more like each other’s
company, consider collaboration among family members.
Begin at the
beginning. What is your earliest memory of your childhood home?
A picture really is worth a thousand words. Draw a picture of it that
will literally “map” this part of your story. You don’t have to be
Picasso. Start with a rectangle, about the size of a regular sheet of
paper. Draw your house. Lay out your street, then the streets
in your neighborhood. Who were the people and what were they like?
What were you favorite places? Why? Maybe you didn’t exactly
live “on a street.” My “map” included our house, yard, chickens, corn
crib, ditch, a path through the patch and another leading “up the pasture.”
Everything we did contributed to getting food, getting our lessons, going
to church, and the normal games siblings play on each other. The main
characters were my family, dominated by my mother and grandfather. Whatever
else I wrote about, these were recurring people and themes.
Next, write
down everything you remember about each part of the picture you’ve just
drawn. Write it as it comes to you. Give depth and character to your
pictures. Write what you feel. Keep writing until you can
actually smell the food, reach out and touch your favorite chair, or hear
your
mother’s
voice calling to you. You’ll have time later to sort it all out. Some
of it will make you weep, and others will have you rolling on the floor
with glee.
Now
determine what most vividly touched your early life. Was it family,
school? Did you move frequently? You have to feel strongly
about it in order to help others “see” why you feel the way you do.
Challenge
your memory. Family members come in handy here. See if they remember
it the same way you do. Be careful not to get into memory turf
wars. Each of us jealously guards our recollections; they make
up who we are. So be gentle. This is suppose to be fun, and these are
your memoirs.
Use facts to
give your memoirs authenticity and accuracy. Your local library is a great
place to start. Property records at a county recording office will
clarify who owned the property next to you (and you thought they were
aliens). Court records will tell you who was married to whom (oops!).
Probate records show death and inheritances. Department of education
records recount the public education grandma and Aunt Tilda
received. Police records might allay your suspicions about your
ancestors, or confirm your runaway suspicions. You might find
information that shows an entirely different perspective from that you have
carried all your life.
When you
revisit your early life, you’ll discover that each day, week, month, and
year present wonderful fodder for your memoirs. Block these periods.
Let your memory take you across each landscape. Write what you
see. Soon you will be able to capture the essence of
experiences and activities that made you who you are. Don’t stifle your
reactions to them, even those you would just as soon forget. You
survived, didn’t you. If you’re reading this, you’ve done better than
simple survive; you’re taking charge of your life.
As you work
through each blocked period, look for the these elements within your
memories, and how you feel about the impact each had on your life.
1.
Church
2.
School
3.
Teachers
4.
Most influential adult
5.
Historical events
6.
Happiest event
7.
Most frightening event
8.
Proudest moment
9.
Most embarrassing event
10. Your first
love
Locate all
the pictures of people, places, and things you can get your hands on.
Pictures, historical fact, and the role each had in your life make for
dynamic and interesting reading.
Congratulations.
You have taken the first steps to writing your memoirs.
Step
2: Lay out your information and pictures in chronological order. Use
historical events to frame your stories. This makes your memoirs an
excellent resource for teaching local history, sharing heritage, and
instilling pride in family legacy.
Step
3: Prepare for gift-giving, as your memoirs make a most
treasured gift that lasts throughout generations. Make them into a book to
share with others, develop individual stories into skits and/or readings to
bring excitement to family celebrations. Or, turn them into dollars as you
launch
your new
writing and teaching career.
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